Let's talk about Emotional Regulation

(Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) focuses on managing intense emotions and improving relationships through four core skill modules. Today we will talk about Emotional Regulation.)[1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

(CAVEAT: this is the 3rd step in Dialectical Behavior Therapy techniques, but we are going to address it second. You'll see why later.)

Emotion regulation is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your feelings so you can respond rather than react impulsively. It is not about suppressing your feelings, but rather experiencing them, calming your physical response, and deciding how to act based on your long-term thinking.[1, 2]

This can be broken down into three steps:

1. Awareness (Before you can regulate a feeling, you need to know what it is.) You can do this by identifying the emotion, acknowledging it, labeling it(exactly) and pausing.[1,2]

2. Biological Regulation or calming the body(when big emotions hit, your nervous system triggers a "fight-or-flight" response. Soothe the body before the mind can think clearly.  [1, 2, 3, 4] Some possibilities are:

Deep Breathing: Lengthening your exhales (e.g., breathing in for 4 seconds, exhaling for 6 seconds) stimulates the vagus nerve and lowers your heart rate.

Temperature Shock: Splashing cold water on your face or holding an ice cube triggers the mammalian "diver reflex," forcing your nervous system to rapidly slow down.

Grounding: Focus on your five senses to bring your awareness back to then present moment. (Like we covered in the first session.)[1, 2, 3, 4]

3. Cognitive Reframing: Another words, changing your perspective.(Once your nervous system is calm, you can evaluate the situation using your logical brain.)[1, 2, 3]

Reframe the narrative: Ask yourself, "Is this situation as dire as it feels, or am I jumping to conclusions?"

Act on values: "How would I ideally like to handle this situation?" to align your actions with your goals.[1]

My personal experience (I'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL):

I tend to use this method a little more than I'd like to admit. (LOL) A while ago I was watching a landscaping crew member blow leaves. Unfortunately, he also blew down all of my tulips that were blooming in the front yard. (They were my first attempt at growing a garden.) 

I was livid. My heart rate was elevated, my body was warm and tingly. I wanted to chase him through the parking lot for ruining my beautiful flowers. 

But I took a pause (and let me tell you, when you're in the moment, that is one of the hardest things to do!). I took a couple of slow breaths. I focused on where I was and what my body was doing (unclenching my hands and relaxing my tightened muscles).

I thought about it and realized I was mad he didn't care about what he did (and wasn't sorry), and frustrated because I put in so much work on my first garden.

So, once I figured out how I really felt, I could look at the situation more clearly and calmly. I realized he was just doing his job and honestly thought the flowers would bounce back after a bit. (they didn't 😒)

I realized it wasn't a disaster, just disappointing, and besides, the flowers would grow back next year. Thinking a bit more clearly and deciding to handle it differently.

I realized I could fix things right away. It wasn't really about the flowers, specifically. It was more about feeling like my effort in the original task wasn't appreciated. I could just go to the store and get some flowering plants for my garden. So that's what I did!

I didn't feel completely better for a bit, but my logical side (once it kicked in) took over my emotions. I'll be honest, it takes a lot of time and effort to adjust that quickly and smoothly. But if you keep working at it, you'll get there. I think the hardest part is that "pause," because sometimes your heart and mind are going a mile a minute.

Or maybe you just really don't want to let go of that exciting feeling of being angry. (That's a mental illness awareness flag for me.) It's also possible it might be tough to clearly identify exactly what those emotions really are. Sometimes they're hidden by other stuff. But with really honest work and practice, it almost becomes routine. I hope this helps someone today.

Well, that's enough from me for one day. Talk to you tomorrow! Have a great week.

Tina

My quote for the day:

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." — Viktor Frankl

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