Tina's follow-up post to 6/29

 That wasn't so bad....

And then, guess what happen.....

Hey Everyone!
I had my MRI on Monday, June 29th, and as usual, I got all worked up for nothing. My anxiety really doesn't like to play well with others sometimes. I woke up that morning and did a lot of relaxation exercises...you know, the grounding techniques I often talk about. Then I recited this:

So I got there early and registered, filling out all the paperwork (use the facilities before you go in!). Then they took me to the dressing room. I changed into a gown and a robe (everything off but socks and underwear). Because I use a rollator (walker with 4 wheels), they came and got me in a rolling chair. (Embarrassed!) Then they took me to the room. 

My anxiety was fairly high by this point. But when I saw the machine, I calmed down a lot. It was bigger than I remembered. That was relieving. All I kept thinking was, "Here we go. Breathe and don't freak out. I can do this."

A cartoon pancreas

So, the camera they put on your chest and stomach (they were checking my pancreas) is super heavy. But it's not too bad. I just had to focus on the finish line because that's what matters this time, not the journey. At least that's what I tell myself!

The tube is actually pretty tricky. It's opaque, but you can't really tell how deep it is, so the end of the tube isn't clear. I actually found that calming. The technician took out the pillow to give my head more space from the tube wall. That helped a lot, too.

Then it was an open MRI machine, so the technician put her head near the top opening so I could focus my eyes on it. That was good, too. Finally, she gave me a warm blanket, earplugs to muffle the machine's sound, and music to listen to (my choice of style). It was a really helpful distraction. 

So, it wasn't all smooth sailing. I had to get myself under control a few times because my breathing was getting a bit erratic. So, I took slow, full, deep breaths using my diaphragm and intercostal muscles. I focused on each inhale and exhale. Then I paused and looked up (just with my eyes) to ground myself in the tube. That worked all 3-4 times I needed to do it.

The time I spent in the MRI machine was a very reflective, existential experience. I thought about what I had completed so far in my transplant search. All the prep procedures, tests, and clearances I had to do just to give the transplant evaluation team enough info to decide whether or not they'd recommend me for a spot on the transplant list (this list is just for deceased kidneys, and it's long).

It's funny how you can get so lost in your thoughts that time just flies by. I'm really proud of myself for just going with the flow today, organically. I also feel super fulfilled (and kind of empowered) because I chose not to freak out, but instead just breathe and be in the moment. It's a technique I've learned and practiced for decades. It's my go-to when stress, frustration, fear, or anger become an issue for me.

Then it was the last 10 minutes of the diagnostic imaging test, so they injected the contrast. A little coolness, but nothing else. Then it was a few breaths; "breathe in, breathe out and hold (a few seconds), now breathe." I had to do two more (I think) of those breaths and she pulled me out of that machine.

I did it! Now I'm off to dialysis for 4 hours to get the contrast out of my body. But the good thing about all this is I'll have Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off from dialysis. I go back on Saturday for a treatment and then I'm off (regular schedule) on Sunday and Monday. Woohoo!!! Here's where I finish this post. I hope someone took something useful away from these rants. May the second half of your week move smoother and brighter than the first half.

Tina

My quote for you:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." — Eleanor Roosevelt

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